It's April, and honestly I'm in a bit of a depressive rut right now. Well, maybe I'm at the tail end of it, but what would really help me right now is some miracle or positively life changing event. I lack connection. I haven't felt genuine connection with others since mid-March, and it's starting to take a bit of a toll on me—acutally, a 'bit' is an understatement—this rut has sucked out all the joy I once had. Things around me have changed, and not in a particularly positive way. I want to get back to how I once felt, but it's like trying to go to Mount Hopeless.
A bit of background. In early February, school started back up again, and it was best start to the school year I've ever had. The holidays were a lonely, shitty time for me as usual—everyone's either overseas, celebrating/preparing for Christmas, or 'busy'—which usually means they have plans with their real friends and can't be bothered to waste their ever so precious time with me. Well, fair enough, everyone's busy, but it sure made for a shitty time for me, especially because my family went overseas and I was left with a relative who is very strict and has values that don't sit right with me.
So what I did instead was I would go to the city everyday, get into a different state of mind, and bum around. I soon found out that this was a really effective way to learn to socialise with no obligation, consequences or anxiety, and what would've taken me years to figure out took me only a couple of weeks. I had went from the kid to sat at the back of the class and was the pariah, to being known as the guy who hangs around in the city and does things that even the popular kids were jealous of. I also had new classmates—my school has this weird system where you're with the same people for every class for some years, but this year it was all randomised. Really, it was mainly the change in circumstances that made this time quite nice.
In hindsight, none of the connections I made during this period were really that deep—it was mainly circumstantial. A lot of these people didn't really care and
From the archive. Editorial · April 2025 · phone notes carried verbatim.