The Empty Void

It's October, and I'm disappointed about the sheer empty void that I feel and lack of progress done to address it.

For the past month, I've been wasting my limited days spent without the academic grind of school. I keep hoping that someday, my life would change and that I will make memories and gain connections. In a week, I'll be back to the same bullshit and it's not going to be any easier without any close friends or any good memories having been made. It's hard to enjoy life when your life is just spent fucking grinding away for letter grades just to prevent your parents from becoming pissed, with no meaningful human connection to make the experience any better.

There are people in the scene who are newer than me and don't a write a magazine and don't go to gigs for the music but to get wasted and fuck around and yet have more connections and are more respected. Why is it that the most obnoxious people get all the attention? I suppose its because they have dumb confidence, already have connections within the little cliques that allow better networking and integration within those cliques, and because they say the right things and have the right appearance. Just take Sid Vicious of the Sex Pistols for example; he couldn't even play bass but because he 'looked the part' of a punk rockstar he got hired.

With things related to socialising you can't exactly have them as goals as connections are gained through circumstance, shared values, and desire to connect, but it still doesn't make my situation any better. The crippling isolation that I've felt has just been piling up to the point where I just want to see some fucking change made. I go to gigs, I go to the city to walk around nearly everyday, and I ask my acquaintances if they want to hangout. Even though the school holidays are nearly ending, I've still have not hung out with a single person. Everyone says that they're busy, but I know that really what they mean is that they already have their own social lives and want me to give them free emotional support and entertainment but don't actually want to connect.

Honestly, I don't even know why I keep writing this magazine when people don't really even seem to care about it that much. I do it because I want to provide a voice for the Brisbane music scene and serve as an intermediary between the bands and the audience, but when the audience seems to care more about getting wasted than the music, it really seems quite fruitless.

Honestly I thought that the zine would at least be worth my labour in the form of critical reception, skills learnt, and connections gained, but when it costs me money to print the zine and buy the film to take the photos and tickets to go to gigs, it just seems like a good way to burn a hole in my wallet. I try to sell issues of it at Rockinghorse Records, but it's a bit embarrassing when it's taking up space in their shop and means they have to spend their time keeping records of sales for some random guy.

In the last issue I really put my heart and soul into creating the best issue I could possibly make, and I did accomplish that. But the momentum was lost as perfectionism soon took hold and it just didn't really seem like I got back what I put in. I do appreciate everyone who cares about what I do, but really it's just the musicians who care and the intended audience of the average Brisbane gig attendee who either doesn't know about the zine or doesn't actually care about the music enough to care about the zine.

What I've learnt lately is that both mindless conformity and mindless rebellion are toxic. A fulfilling life is gained through living life based on your own values without caring what other people say. Also, life sucks without connection and sometimes you can't really do anything about it except not make it worse and sometimes you've just to fuck around and hope something works, and also have some dumb confidence to just fucking do things.

I want to thank Eliza and Tani for being people who have actually made an effort to understand my situation and help. I also want to thank the members of Shock Value and Jipwell for reminding me of why I shouldn't give a fuck about what people think and to keep living in the spirit of rock and roll. I especially think George Roberts, the singer of Shock Value, for reminding me of how I have 'so much potential' and 'need to stop worrying about these stupid emos around you and just shine like the star you are'.

In the words of one Arran McKenzie, keep on rocking in the free world.