Exile On Brunswick Street

It's October, and I felt like shit a few minutes ago, but feel empty. I feel lonely. I feel burnt out. My mind feels battered as I've told people about the state I'm in and they never seem to understand. I've been in this state of 'exile' ever since the only close friendship I had faded away and a temporary break from my academic responsibilities started. Time is running out to change my life before I'm thrown back into the same grind of school.

I've been trying to form deeper connections with my acquaintances but they all say that they're 'busy'—what they really mean is that they're too preoccupied with their own bullshit and social lives. Even if they weren't, I'd be treated as the least significant person at whatever stupid group 'hangout' they were to organise and would be eyed up to see if I could provide free emotional or monetary support.

It sucks how the burden of change is on me when really, the

It's September. This month has been one which has forced me to redefine my idea of myself and reconjure my goals and aspirations. Above all, it was a state of exile.

I had been forsaken by someone who I had essentially and very foolishly entrusted my emotional wellbeing to. I was provided a temporary respite from the academic responsibilities of school as with no social life I directed all my cognitive bandwidth towards utterly acing my subjects, and I succeeded in that goal. I had abandoned my wishful dream of a music career as the reality of making a living and my lack of musical virtuoso dawned on me.

I was left with a deep emptiness. The bottomless void of my mind tried to work up what little substance it perceived was still in its possession and directed me towards my ever-so-impossible-to-attain goal of becoming 'popular'—of somehow getting the big social circles and relationship that all the popular people I envied had.

So it begins, the state called "what it's like to be at rock bottom'. I had acquaintances, but they are already preoccupied with their own lives, and always liked to say they were 'busy' which really meant that they had people who already had long established connections with them, and that maybe if I nag enough I could 'join' their circle, but always as the least significant person there and used as disposable.

I thought about the magazine I once wrote and realised that it may as well provide me with something that could have people connect to. It made me be someone again, and not just the guy who 'used to' write some magazine. It just was. It seemed like the answer because it was the hotline of hope I once had back when I was still starting out in the music scene and felt as if I could never be a part the music scene.

I just knew that it could provide me with a type of cognitive benchmark; with each issue teaching me how to write better, make photos look cooler, and be more of a public figure. I knew of nothing else that could help me achieve the 'how' of my goals in a way that was somewhat quick, effective if I believe in it, and felt like 'me' in that it's what I knew deep down is what I enjoy unlike whatever forum posts recommend to lonely, empty, unfulfilled individuals—'go to a pottery class', 'take a walk', 'meditate'—they're all laughable because real change is not made from pure reasoning alone. It needs emotional change—a change that is based on an individual's idea of oneself, one's past events and insecurities and their internal narrative for the present and the future and if it aligns with their idea of self and of fulfilment in the state of existence called life.

I knew that I wasn't at the most fulfilled state that I wanted to be in. I had those 'goals' but nothing was just fitting right. But I suppose that the desire to want to get out of the state I was in blinded me from the reality of the state I was already in. Through just sitting in that void, and observing it, I realised that what I wanted—which was connection—I already had and that I should stop thinking of the social life I always wanted as like an assignment with an end goal, and as a combination of connections that may be slowly attained—but still attained—if I just lived my live according to values that stuck right to me and creative endeavours that would mould and craft my psyche like a work of art.

In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, how one achieves a state of 'enlightenment'—that is, a higher level of life fulfillment—is by also not caring about what others think through insecurities and trauma projected by others through past events—and to instead let one's decision making based on personal values attained through rational re-evaluation of one's life experiences dictate how one should live one's future life.

It dawned on me that the answer was simple, and that It really is a cosmic comedy because we're all just parts of the same universe observing itself in different manifestations of perception as sentient beings. I knew it deep down, but as humans we're all blinded by our ego and by vain 'desires' and 'goals' that don't have any basis on our deepest emotional fulfilment. So, I just knew that I had to get the first ball of momentum going in the process called change.

I published Issue 7 based on old material that I had never compiled due to perfectionism, caring too much about what others thought, and having become too comfortable with not making any change happen. But I did it. I just directed my efforts towards just getting it out because I knew it would create a wave of momentum for me to do other great once I saw how easy it was. Soon I had in my mind a loose idea of a 'September Trilogy'—three issues of the zine that would be the sum of my commitmen

It's September, and the point I want to hammer home is that both mindless conformity and mindless rebellion are toxic to living the life you want. You have to have your own values, your own activities, your own goals, but what do you do if you don't have a clear idea of what those are or how you'll achieve them? Sometimes it takes being in a state of detachment from one's old idea of oneself to figure that out. A state of exile.

The problem I faced was a lack of connection. A close friendship that had kept me occupied for the past few months slowly fizzled away as I found my own values and life circumstances changed. The place I used to hangout all the time at—the City Botanic Gardens—or what I like to call 'Botangs', was closed for a stupid cash grab light show by the council. Meanwhile, the school responsibilities I had became silent as I aced all finished all my exams and assignments with flying colours as the straight-A student I am. The few acquaintances I had were all 'busy' or more accurately, preoccupied with their own life and social shenanigans.

While everyone else seemed to be moving forward, making new friends, and changing up their eras and doing fun shit, I was stuck. I had a vague idea of what I wanted but I didn't know the specifics or how to get there. Everyone else had their own circles and own things to do. I could technically fuck around and try and join whatever circle I could, but I knew from experience that I would end up the least significant member and their values, activities, and character just didn't align with the person I am.

I knew I had to do something and bringing back the magazine just seemed to be the answer.

mean nothing. In life, you have to forge your own path, have your own values, have your vision of what you what you want to do, and commit yourself fully to achieving that.

The state my life is in is boring. It's not exciting, but it's not burdened by responsibilities at least for the moment. I do have a bunch of acquaintances, but they have their own life. They're 'busy'. The kind of busy depends on the person but the common denominator is that they do see some value in me in the sense that are somewhat attentive to what I do, but don't see enough value to actually want to connect on a deeper level when they already have social circles of their own.

My outlook on life isn't necessarily negative but not all that positive at the same time. After a rupture with the person who essentially was my only friend for half a year, I was in a state of what I called an 'exile'. The City Botanic Gardens which I hang around (a place I like to call Botangs) was closed for the entire month for a stupid light show to give Council some money. I also was able to take the last two weeks off of the school term because after handing in assignments and finishing exams the teachers just give out busywork while they mark shit. It was an exile from the daily routine and idea of myself that I had built up over the last few months. It forced me to either shed the bullshit off and start a new era, or fall into a rut.

I had the 'what' figured out. I had goals. I wanted to have a holidays that was memorable, and to cultivate a fulfilling circle of friends. It was the 'how' that needed to be figured out.

There was fuck all I could do that would deliver results, wasn't pretentious, and was actually something that was 'me' and was somewhat fun. That thing was creating issues of the zine. I had always wanted to get back into it, and it felt horrible when people asked what I do and I had to say that I 'used to' write a magazine and 'used to' be in a punk rock band. Being in a band is hard work. You face the problem of finding a rehearsal space and finding bandmates that aren't lazy cunts, that love the same music as you and have the same vision.

Anyone can write a magazine but not many people know how to write a good one. You can write one, but it has to engage and connect with your audience and be about bands relevant to the scene you're writing for and tell the story in a way that is to the point and interesting. I see other people write magazines and as a bit of constructive criticism their focus is either too broad, they don't really take on a creative vision like how Stanley Kubrick conveys messages through his films, or they don't really push the standards and expand beyond the same old same old repeated again and again.

For me, writing a magazine has given me a voice and let me be involved in an alternative scene I never thought I belonged in or had anything to contribute to. It has made me really connect with musicians and bands and become a part of the 'artists' group and not simply a silent watcher from the sidelines that I was before starting this project, and find a different way to be an audience member instead of the common archetype you see at gigs being people who are there to just fuck around with their friends, get intoxicated, and show how cool they are.

Throughout the last few months, I've learnt how important it is to carve your own path. For me, that was through examining what role I wanted in the music scene. For me, it's just about getting to connect with people, tell stories, become one with the music and the moment, and be someone.

For now, I'm going to keep doing my thing and keep doing it better by innovating the format of a music magazine and improving the components involved in making it. I'm going to keep talking to people and find my own little circle. Too big and it's drama galore and people are going to be there to fuck around instead of trying to connect. Too small and it could be vulnerable to life/value changes and isn't that much fun. 5-6 close friends and 10-15 outer circle friends would be great.

One event that really helped me get out of the road to ruin I was heading for and reconnect with my roots is the experience I had at The B