Writings

I don't know why I decided to post this, other than it's my zine, and there's people who love what I'm doing, and I will not be silenced by those who bully and harrass me. I'm me, and that's all I can, and all I ever will be. Some people said they liked the diary entry shit I did a while back ago, and I guess this is kinda like it?

The more you shit on me and tell me to do what you want, the more I will double down and continue to piss you off. The only way I would do anything differently is if you have real sympathy, maybe try and be my friend, and explain to a deep logical-philosophical level why whatever I'm doing is inherently wrong. Someone has done it, and that creates real change. Harrassment and whining about whatever the fuck you're pissed about, and then telling me to fix a problem I don't even know exists or what's wrong with only makes me want to do it more.

It's the 21st of December, and I can't sleep. It's 10 pm, and I wanted to sleep because I ended up nodding off after being tired today, and paradoxically, it's when I want to sleep that I end up not sleeping, and coming up with the wackiest thoughts ever.

I'm titling this a 'Writings' zine because I don't know, this doesn't belong in the main zine and can't constitute a full issue. I also just like writing, and fuck, I just don't know. I don't care if people shit on this. It's free speech isn't it? And whatever I'm gonna say isn't really all that exciting. I thought about some good times bad times stuff and decided to write it down. I text in lowercase now. Is that trendy? I write articles in proper grammar because I can't be arsed to make everything lowercase with no punctuation.

I don't even know why I continue the zine on Instagram; I could do it physical only, but that would mean losing a large chunk of my audience. I could do it on a website, but the cost and technical knowledge mean that it's not really worth it.

Some people tell me that voicing your thoughts and opinions to an audience of people that are mainly based in the Brisbane area and aren't the kindest or empathetic bunch is a terrible idea, and that I should quit doing so, and it's a good point.

But there are also others who say that what I'm doing is the most sickest and punk rock thing ever, and that the haters don't even read what I write, which is probably true. I feel like the key is to do my shit for the people who like it, and not be bothered by anyone who doesn't.

Anyways, on to what I want to talk about. I feel like these late December days are really boring, sort of a little dark age in someway. Everyone's overseas or with their family; setting up for Christmas. My parents are overseas, and I'm currently staying with my grandmother, who I live with anyway, it's just that my parents aren't here.

This funky youth space which I would go to as an excuse to get out of the house has closed until mid January, and going out is a hassle in general as my grandma wants me back home by 6, and she gets worried often. My social life isn't doing great after a series of events happened that led to a great spiral that eventually meant I lost ties with many people.

I know I could technically strike up conversation with the various people in my DMs, but I don't know, it isn't genuine. The most genuine way to meet people is to meet them and hang out with them IN PERSON. And again, even if I do manage to get a good back and forth going, they're busy right now, and the reason I don't text my various acquaintances is I simply have never interacted them besides maybe once or twice, or I just don't vibe with them.

Looking back, there was a period of time where things were going great. I had good close friends, the zine was going great, my parents had allowed me a greater amount of freedom than before, and I had quite a number of connections. It was late September to Early October of this year. That was my golden age.

Now, it's always important not to romanticise things, and a few things of that period of time weren't good. I had absolutely no friends at school (as usual), my sleeping disorder was exacerbated by having to wake up early for school and a strong caffeine tolerance, which also caused me to fall back academically compared to in the past. I also ate less, which caused me to lose a noticeable amount of weight, and my appearance was a bit unkept. Due to a misunderstanding, I also thought I lost one of my closest friends.

But looking through the present day's eyes, that period was pretty damn chill compared to the months before and after. I had always wanted real friends who were into the same things as me, and I had exactly that during that period. I could've handled it a lot better, if I was more chill and slow paced, and if I had more empathy and thought about what my friends wanted, and treated them accordingly.

I also had a bunch of new connections as a result of those friends, and I could've easily expanded my circle if I had the skills and social knowledge. But my past self didn't. It's no use thinking of what you should've done, because you can't turn back time. You can only change what you do for the future.

It's harder for me because due to the conditions I have, I fuck up, and I don't know how I fucked up unless it's explained in an extremely to the root semi-philosophical way by someone who's been through similar shit.

We as a society have outsourced what used to be provided by community and friends to companies, corporations, and people who are 'meant' to 'solve your problems'. But is it any better? No. People are more unhappy and stressed than ever.

But anyway, it's crazy how you didn't know what you have until it's gone and time has passed. Ask me back in September and I would've told you I was going through a shit time, and that I had no friends.

Now that I think about it, even during times where I thought the zine was going to shit, it was going greater than I thought. Back in June, I thought a bunch of people hated me, and that the zine was going shit. But really, those people are in bands or from other walks of life, and me being the overenthusiastic weird guy I was back then probably didn't do any justice.

The decline in viewership was because I wasn't going to gigs or doing proper reviews. It was a boring time in terms of gigs for me, and I was overseas at the time, so the content I pumped out wasn't to the quality or standard of the previous stuff. It also wasn't the first issue anymore, so the hype kinda died off.

But things were still going good back then; and maybe that's the case with right now. It sometimes amazes you how easily people make up and become all chill. Malcolm Fraser and Whitlam Gough literally were involved in a conflict where Gough was kicked out of office and replaced with Fraser, and they should've been blood enemies, but yet, they became mates not long after.

I need to chill. A new year's coming. There's gonna be a whole lot of new shit. It's the holidays, I get to chill at home, and not go to school. Things may be boring, but maybe that's because I've been embroidered with so much shit that I've forgotten how to chill.

Some people may be having fun with all their friends and shit, but that's fine. I have a new band going, and I can focus on that. I've been getting a bit of a back and forth going with a few people, and I dong know how it'll go, but it's fine. If shit happens and I become friends, then shit happens.

The band I've got going has a really Australian rock 'n' roll vibe going. Like Rose Tattoos, CIVIC, The Chats, AC/DC kind of thing. We need a drummer. The deep underground punk scene kinda died out after the end of Casualty Records and Project Punk, with bands like Loose Cannon disbanding, Shock Value and Bubblegum Haircut slowing down lately, and The Chimpeltons going metal. But I know Piss Off are moving from grunge towards rock 'n' roll, and Shock Value are going to drop an album soon, so that's exciting.

The 'punk' bands (not really that punk as most of the bands were more hard rock or shedrock inspired) have kinda aged out of the scene really. Antidismal's been real quiet with Ixara on tour and focusing on just chilling during the holidays.

The main gig organisers right now are 'alternative'. You have your Deadtrigger, your Spark Foundation, your Schema Collective, and a few hardcore gigs hosted by groups like Worldrot or Schema Collective.

I like rock and roll gigs hosted in rented halls and at a cheap price. Where there's a push pit and where you could go talk to the bands and become mates with them. Where they're down to earth with no unnecessary stage banter or feeling of exclusion. More points if it's afternoon/early evening, so I can go, and it won't be dirty late. There needs to be more all ages, drug and alcohol free ones too. It's also a bit disappointing when people sit outside the venue, and sometimes commit vandalism, or do drugs, without supporting the bands, but what can you do.

Hopefully when my band gets a good catalogue of songs we could get some rock and roll bands to play at a gig organised just like that, and bring punk rock back.

There's people who claim to want to 'help' and yet they backstab me. They see me as a personal project of theirs, to be molded and sculpted into what they deem to be correct. If I were to do whatever they want, I wouldn't be me, and they still wouldn't be happy. There's always gonna be haters and people who don't like you, and the best approach is to ignore.

And ignore I did. I had a call with one of my friends, who is a person I look up to, and they gave the best advice ever. Just chill. It's the holidays. A new year, do what you want. Don't talk to the people who drive you crazy. They always give the best advice.

And I did exactly that. I stopped talking to those people. And it was like for the first time in a while, I felt inner peace. I had people who loved what I was doing.

But then, one of those people who 'tried to help' contacted me and decided to do a full 180 and their true colours. Whenever I talked to that person, there was always drama, and I knew it. I was being myself and they were pissed because I didn't give them any attention for something, and now they're fuelling some bullshit.

But honestly, they would've done a full 180 any time. It's good that they did it now, as it means future me won't be surprised. How do you learn to deal with bad people? Always expect the worst.