It's been a while since I've been able to feel, fully, as though I'm myself.
Why is that? Well, it's because this is the first time that I've experienced uninhibited consciousness and have fucking nailed down my life trajectory. What does it feel like? It feels like what Noel Gallagher must've felt like when he was sitting down to write his song 'Supersonic'; fittingly enough that's how I feel.
To describe how it feels to get your life more or less sorted out must be like telling a blind man how to see. You can't just hear about it and imagine you've got it sorted out. You've got to experience it to know it.
What exactly has been sorted out? Well, honestly, it's more like a fitting moment of realisation as I've reflected on my journey towards higher self-fulfillment over the past few months.
After a pretty horrible period of emotional turmoil back in mid-late 2025 I honestly had a very big gaping hole in my soul. Looking back on it, it was a given considering how I was heavily reliant on a select few people for emotional support. I also fucking spewed my guts to those people and thought they could somehow fix my state of mind up. Think Ozzy Osbourne when he was writing the song Paranoid.
But what was the cause of my emotional pain? Well, it's of course some serious emotional shit, but the gist of it is I had to live out, test out and contradict emotionally engrained beliefs I had about how the world works.
I thought there must have been some 'secret' people use to get what I had always wanted but didn't have, which was social acceptance and the feeling that your life isn't fated to be nothing more than another wage slaver away within this god awful 'society'.
Nowadays I'm able to look at photos of people who have caused me pain and fucking laugh my ass off. They are simply tortured souls that you can just laugh off because they're ridiculous.
The journey towards my higher self-realisation began with my first few attempts at 'proper' socialising. Before this I had fucked it up and I know the cause now. It's called being too anal.
I had followed the advice of some outside sources and I came to the conclusion that I should just text and try to hangout with the randos that would engage with the stuff I post as part of my gonzo journalism escapades. I was able to kind of, artificially enhance my social interactions in the sense that emotionally I was still a wreck at the time in January 2026 and because of that I doubted if shit would even work but I followed the process anyway. It was the holidays at the time and I could literally feel me stagnating so those interactions really helped me not become more depressed because that's that happens when you feel like you're cornered and have no options in terms of how to make your existence be less pain and be something more akin to what the layperson what call life.
I'd say it was really helpful. Having your social life directed like you're being managed by a manager felt really easing but also uneasing in the sense that I could go into interactions without having my 'emotionally unstable self' be there but that also meant having to constantly check other things to ensure it followed the process.
Having those interactions helped quite a good deal as it proved to me that socialising was possible and was a process that isn't all that hard once I learnt it though it would take more and more experiences for me to come out of that emotional shell so to speak.
Next up was the zine. I knew and I felt that my creative work wasn't as invested as it used to be. In terms of putting out shit that looked cool? Yeah, I pretty much nailed that, but to what end? To connect with people? Well, it wasn't pulling its weight regarding that, because I was expending cognitive resources on shit that was irrelevant to my audience.
So what was the answer? Emotionally invested work. But how social media algorithms work is they weight heavily towards things that provoke people in the midst of a power vacuum in the local music scene where the first person who says something calls dibs, or are the 'defining point' in people's memories like a set of really cool photos taken at a really big party with you and your mates where you were THE photographer there who knows how to make shit look good in Lightroom/Photoshop.
I feel really glad to be back in a place where the zine is my creative-emotional outlet again. The best work doesn't come from when you're forcing shit but when you know what to do and how to do it. That's the definition of yielding the most out of your cognition.
As I stand right now, my social life consists mainly up of a bunch of school friends. But they feel like the crowd where you just feel you click. I'm still kinda a newcomer into that circle though again, you can't force shit, you just gotta let it slide.
The shit I put out back in 2024? That stuff was golden. I hadn't become anal about the zine nor had one parasite of a person do shit to exploit my state and send me into an emotional wreck. The stuff in 2025? I have to say, Elvis left the fucking building and it showed.
Nowadays? I'm just going about existence. It's pretty weird seeing how you have to just have it happen and make the best choice when it happens though it is what it is. Having had periods where it was pretty chaotic due to shit happening it's a bit weird just having it be how it is but I've gotten used to it.
I have a bunch of exams to also think about though my overall direction here is to keep doing what I'm doing because it's helping me keep ascending to a higher state of self-realisation. I've figured out what was stopping me from progressing and there's certain 'plateaus' to that. But I can say that after becoming a someone in terms of socially in my school environment and
From the archive. Self-reflection · 14 February 2026 · written in the moment, carried verbatim.