Personal Pissings

It's the 1st of March 2026 and I've done all this work and the same old problems are still eating at me. I keep writing and rewriting but it's going nowhere. I try to repeat old successes and I'm starting to feel like a legacy. Known for doing 'cool stuff' but not really making any impact like in the old days; instead, being relegated to what feels like shouting into a void. It's a familiar feeling.

It's the 1st of March 2026 and I haven't hung out with a single person in three weeks. Instead, I've been blitzing through assignments and doing stuff for the zine, but is it really going anywhere? The last time I hung out with someone, it went nowhere. They ghosted me. They still like my posts though. Everytime I see that notification I feel the same sense of cynical irony. Yes, I'm doing work that should in theory be having a result, but it's not going anywhere.

I mean, it's not that it lacks raw emotion. People who have read any of my issues know that they basically serve as reflections on the state I'm in while I'm writing them, but I guess it just isn't the type of emotion that is the right stuff at the right time.

Take anything I posted before 2025. It was basically guaranteed to perform well. I guess part of it was how I was still new and didn't care about what I wrote and people weren't familiar with what I wrote at the time. I know I'm meta-analysing myself but that's what on my mind a lot. Comparison.

It just fucking sucks when you feel like yes, you have made a lot of progress and technically you are in a better state nowadays, but you're not at that next peak yet. You're just sitting at home with nobody to text, the feeling that you're wasting time, and a big, big desire to get out of your rut.

Hell, if it isn't even more ironic, two years ago I wrote a piece called 'personal pissings' which had a very 2 am ranty vibe because it was literally written at 2 am while I was not in a good state at all, and people saw themselves in it and instead of me having to be the person to express interest in people who don't give two shits and are two preoccupied with their own lives, people seemed to express interest in me because I didn't fluff it up in abstractions or sentences that each had to have a purpose. No no, it came from a place of raw emotion and that 'got to find a way, a better way' erratic energy of Nirvana's song Territorial Pissings.

I literally just can't write a piece like that because I'm not in that same state anymore. Take some of the biggest bands in the world for example. A lot of them start off with bangers of debut albums that are good because the songs are relatable and had a purpose to exist. Then once they start playing stadiums and let the fame eat at them that raw hunger just disappears because how can you write a song about emo heartbreak or hating school when you're a fucking millionaire touring the world? Well, you could, but it would suck ass because it would come off as forced.

I tried selling physical copies of the zine at record stores because I once thought that hard work always gets repaid with equal result. Well, clearly that isn't the case because it made barely any sales and one store literally told me it was taking up shelf space and kicked me out.

I guess the only thing that can be done is writing for the sake of writing 'good' writing. Take Trivium for example. They literally ascended to popularity with their album Ascendency, then their next album was a misguided attempt at trying to change from their signature metalcore sound to some thrash sound, but then they just decided to make THE album and came out with an album called Shogun which they poured their heart and soul into getting perfect, and it worked. But then they declined because they wanted to make stuff that was more marketable after 2000s metalcore declined in popularity, and honestly, unless you were a hardcore fan of them, they were forgettable albums. But then they got a new drummer to replace the string of talented but just not right drummers they went through and decided to take the best out of each of their albums, distil it into what works, and they genuinely made a comeback.

I do know what works in theory. I've gone over it time and time again, but I guess there's a reason why it feels like an ingredient is missing. I guess it's just raw experimentation. I'm thinking of trying to stop trying to get an idea right and just try and chase it as soon as it comes up.

How the algorithm works is that posts that provoke people into wanting to comment and give it attention get boosted. When you have a post you put a shitton of work into but has nothing for people to talk about or criticise, it's not gonna go anywhere. Ironically, what this does is it makes posts that are the most raw and the most 'spewy' get the most attention.

You may already know the state I'm in by now but I'm going to state it explicitly. Yes, I have nobody which I can just text 'saturday?' and have a hangout sorted. Yes, in a way I feel nostalgic for the past.

I wish I had some sort of mentor who's been through what I've been through and can guide me but I know it is what it is right now. I got to do the shit I don't want to do sometimes to get to what I want. That means networking which is really a fancy way to say 'initiate transactional relationships'. That means just sitting and acknowledging the state I'm in. it means a bunch of other things.

It's just boring. But at least I'm doing something. That's better than not doing anything.