It's the 16th of March and honestly, I feel lonely.
I'm doing better than I have in the past in several aspects of my life. Academically? Well, it's pretty nicely sorted out. I used to rigorously study to the point of burnout because of my inner anxiety about my academic performance and meeting standards, and I've toned that down a good deal. My parents say they aren't that concerned about it though I'm still doing my best, just not 'the best' that requires pushing beyond your limits. I've eliminated a bunch of distracting habits that were eating away at my time and my health.
The issue is, what do I do with it? There are exams that I still have to sit though there's a point of equilibrium where the extra work you're putting it isn't worth it. I feel confident in my ability to write and to analyse. I chose subjects where I can do what I'm already good at, and I had a long chat with my parents about how I've been working my ass off to the point of burnout, so I guess that's pretty fine at the moment.
The root of how I'm feeling is my lack of any close friendships. You know, the type where you can just text them 'saturday?' and have it sorted. The type where you can call when you need someone to call. The type where you get the impression that they feel they're doing you a favour by spending time with you.
I have friends, they're just not very close. It is a big upgrade from the random online stragglers that made up my rather pitiful social life back in the day though. I have school friends. They're as close to 'an alternative crowd' as you can get at a school which is really anal about academic performance. That is, they don't look like your typical 'alternative' people, but they like metal music and play instruments and all that. The thing is, I'm not in the inner circle, and these kinds of things take time; you can't force it. Trying to force your way in just pushes you further apart.
So what exactly am I going to do with this time? I guess what I can do is write about it. It's better than just sitting around watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing YouTube video essays, and I call it 'exam preparation' because the more you write the better you write. What better way to get feedback on your work by having actual people read it?
Musically, I'm still at it. Learning a bunch of songs here and there. But honestly playing by yourself doesn't feel as exciting as being in a band and feeling like there's a purpose behind doing it. I still look back on my old days in the scene and regret how I handled things but it is what it is. I guess the whole theme of my life right now is "you get what you get and you don't get upset". I'm trying to look on the bright side but when your emotional need for connection isn't met you can't exactly pretend as if it is.
When people share problems what a lot of people like to give is advice. But really, when people share their problems with you they aren't looking for advice. Telling them 'oh, I had the same issue as you and I did blah blah blah' comes off as 'one-upping'. It comes off like you're brushing they're problems away. But what they are really looking for is empathy. Empathy is when you just sit there with them and listen, and recognise how they feel, and you know, do tangible things to make life maybe suck a little less. Just hanging out with someone does just that.
In the past what I would usually do with this familiar feeling of loneliness is wallow in self-pity, rant and complain to other people, or try and distract myself, which only makes it worse. But I guess I'm really feeling it. What it really is a type of emotional hunger. When people are really hungry for something they really try and get whatever it is that they are hungry for.
I don't really have a big masterplan to try and sort it again, because again, trying to force shit doesn't work. My idea is to really feel it, feel it at 100%, and use that raw power to do whatever it is I have to do. What is that? It can't really be defined in logical terms because you really have to feel it. What it feels like is not needing permission to enter a party you were invited to. What it feels like is just striking up a conversation with someone when it feels right or texting someone something that feels right without trying to micromanage everything.
One of my favourite bands at the moment is Oasis. I just really like how unhinged they are, and how their music sounds triumphant and not pretentious. Just pure rock and roll. You can really feel what Noel Gallagher is feeling when he writes the lyrics to his songs. I really relate to their music at this time in my life. Their first two albums, 'Definitely Maybe' and "(What's The Story?) Morning Glory" are gold.
Two weeks ago, I went to a party that I was invited to by one of my school friends. Mind you, this was my first ever proper party. I initially thought my parents would be pissy about it but turns out, they were actually fine about it. If I never asked it would have never happened. I was honestly feeling pretty anxious and uncertain about the whole thing. But I just knew that the best thing to do was to lay down all thoughts, relax and float downstream. I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to celebrate how far I had made it in my journey towards greater self-fulfilment, and a great way to have fun before exams would hit.
I walked up to my friend's door. Behind me were some girls gossiping about 'who is this guy'. Well, I just fuck it and knocked vigorously on his front door. The girls behind me laughed but when my mate and my other mate answered the door and we jumped and shouted like it was a FEIN function they instantly went quiet.
It was a real teenage riot. The whole feeling was just one of just saying fuck it and doing whatever felt right instead of letting your anxiety get to you. I bought along a camera and took photos. Because I do photography work and know how to make photos look top notch, everyone said that I nailed the photos, and yeah, it was a natural way of just letting things happen. Hell, there were even a bunch of French exchange students there and they said it was the weirdest party they've ever been to.
What I can definitely say is that being at places where shit happens is how you make shit happens. Of course, it isn't everyday you get invited to a party but what I'm doing is already working. It's just the reality about trying to build a social life. It takes time. You can't force shit. Trying too hard can work against you.
As Liam Gallagher would say: "you gotta roll with it, you gotta take your time, you gotta say what you say and don't let any fucker get in your way".
From the archive. Essay · 16 March 2026 · post-date confirmed by content-internal date reference, carried verbatim.