I miss a time when things felt simpler.
I miss a time when things just happened and kept on happening, where trying to get a social life didn't feel like a process where you don't get a return on investment. I miss when I was still starting out in the scene, and the world felt so big and like there was so much shit yet to be known.
I miss being able to call a random weekend spent wandering around Indro or the city a 'day out', where I could walk around and talk to people, have a conversation where both parties were genuinely interested and emotionally invested, and go home having made another friend just like that. I miss a time when there were all ages gigs every one or two weeks, where the bands played as if it was their only opportunity to get big, and where everyone knew each other or knew you as a friend of a friend, and where there felt like there was no distinction between the band or the crowd, it was just a community of people who were there for the music. The music was what it was truly about.
Whatever happened to the revolution? As a little song by a band called Skyhooks goes, 'we all got stoned and it drifted away'. I guess some people realised it really was just a phase, and forgot the fun of life, the fun is really what makes life feel a little less like a cycle of endless perdition. Last weekend, I went into Queen Street Mall, which has honestly been turned into a consumerist wasteland, to gather some on the ground interviews about the state of the scene. I asked nine people. Of those people only two said they ever went to a local gig, and one person said they heard of Ixaras but can't name a song by her. I really got the impression that less people are going to gigs, yeah yeah, you can tell me about how the scene's 'not dead' and how some random secret venue is holding gigs and all that, but I'm talking about the scene we all know and love.
The scene that celebrates itself, the scene that created its own space and took the initiative to hold its own DIY gigs because there was no place for young music enthusiasts to do so back then. I get the impression that this is what people who were a part of the punk scene in the early 80s felt. Yes, punk never died, but with bands like The Clash and all that it felt like the establishment was finally going to be destroyed thanks to the forces of punk rock. But punk basically retreated back into the underground. Yeah, things change, but when you forget your roots, you lose your authenticity and real emotional force behind what you do. I experienced that myself. I feel that the scene needs to be about community and the music again. That message seems to have been forgotten.
Last night, I had a dream. I dreamt that I was climbing a cliff face. Around me, other people were scaling that same cliff face. When I tried to climb up, I found it hard. It felt like there was this invisible force stopping me from going up. I feel that it really illustrates how I feel at the moment. I'm moving forward in my life but it isn't exactly a clearcut path, and when I compare myself to others I wonder why they are having such an easy time doing so. When I was new to the scene and first started writing the zine, it just felt like bam, bam, bam. I had a lot of people telling me they appreciate or relate to my work and it was honestly overwhelming for me. Coupled with my preexisting depression and not being able to emotionally regulate at the time, I found myself overextended and fucked it up basically.
But yeah, there's a point where focusing on the past just becomes rumination. I feel that the current stage of my life is leading up to a new high point, though the process of ascendancy is one of trials and tribulations. Ask any band that's trying to make it big. But with that you have that anger, that frustration, that will to power. Some can't handle it and give up, distract themselves, or self-sabotage. I feel that I can handle it. It's just that it's a time with its own distinct challenges. At any phase you have to deal with challenges. When you're at the top you have to deal with how people perceive you and all the attention you get.
It's just that knowing that you had a past 'peak' and remembering how good you had it impacts you in quite a distinct way. At times you can feel a sad type of nostalgia, where you just regret the choices you made and compare it to how you have it now. I feel that writing it out is a good way to really process it. How you get better at writing is by writing and writing and writing while you're in the flow, and just seeing what works and what people think.
As I write this I'm planning on holding an event where I just give free copies of the zine out. I feel it's a good way to get to talk to people about the scene and the zine in the flesh, because there's certain things that words on a screen can't really get across as well. Some people also want to get a physical issue of the zine and this is their opportunity to have that happen. Unlike in the past, I don't expect it to be some big 'gamechanger' or 'big break'. Whenever I tried to do that I overextended myself or didn't meet my expectations because they were simply too big and misguided. The idea is just to get out of the house and see what happens. I have a really good poster prepared for it which I'm proud about; the graphic revamp I've done with the zine makes things look cooler.
Something I do miss is having people I could just hangout with or text and have them actually understand me and want to talk to me. What happened was some of those people have responsibilities in their lives and don't have the time anymore. And yeah, while I was emotionally dysregulated I burnt some of those bridges. The issue's different now. It used to be that I was feeling depressed, alienated and lonely and didn't know why. Nowadays I feel lonely and I do know why, and I have already taken the steps to develop connections so that it's addressed at the root, but the thing some people don't say is that it's not a "know how to fix it and it's done" type thing. It takes time. It takes having things happen and just doing what you can when things happen. It takes making things happen.
I have a school friend who used to have no friends. He didn't even know about the scene. He had a rough time, just like me. What he did is a good example of just rolling with it. What he did was he basically became apathetic to the bullshit that happened in his life. His mindset was basically "well, fuck it, I tried a lot of things and it didn't work. How about I just do whatever I want and see what sticks?". What he did was he added a bunch of random acquaintances from his drama class to an Instagram groupchat. Mind you, drama students are pretty damn dramatic and well, like having drama happen, and a lot of them also turned out to be music students. He didn't obsess over what to text people.
He just said what he wanted. Well yeah, of course saying shit that criticises, condemns or complains isn't a recommended thing in the Book of Social Rules but for most people, they already know how to socialise, their anxiety's the only the only thing limiting them. This was just the case for him. Over time, because he started it while people didn't have friend groups and also because the people in the groupchat had shared interests and a shared class, it developed naturally into a friend group.
My point here and what I've learnt is that life can be confusing. It just depends on how you try and make sense of that confusion. And I think that what someone told me is very true. When you have anger and that raw energy, it's up to you what to do with it. I've just decided that I've had enough with trying to tone it down and distract myself from the issue only to have it not work, or put it into shit that doesn't feel fulfilling or like it's really actually using that energy. If something actually works for you, why are you wondering if it works? For me I feel like I've got a rough idea of what works and I'm just rolling with it, refining it, seeking feedback.
From the archive. Polemic · 17 March 2026 (write-date per catalogue correction; post-date unconfirmed) · carried verbatim.